How to play for a funeral
The most memorable funeral service I ever played was for the patriarch of a large Italian family who were very specific about their musical requests: they asked for “Ave Maria” to be played at the beginning of the Mass, and requested that the coffin leave the church to “Fly Me to the Moon.” This was unique. In most instances, with the exception of special requests, most funeral music will be forgotten by the mourners. This is as it should be. Funerals and memorial services are for remembering the deceased, not a musical performance. Every aspect of the gathering needs to do one thing: give the mourners a safe place to grieve. Other than special, requested numbers, the music isn’t the focus. It’s background music.
After years of playing for funerals and memorial services, I’ve found that the music that best fits the occasion is generally quiet, slow, and emotionally neutral. No one wants to be catapulted out of their recollections of a loved one as I once was when a cantor and pianist presented a horrible arrangement of “Edelweiss” (with schlocky religious lyrics). Conversely, playing pieces that are too mournful can backfire as well, as some will be undone by it and others will resent the musical intrusion on personal grief.
Being asked to provide music for a funeral or memorial service is a sobering honor. We’re an integral part of the event, but not generally one of the mourners. This is why the most important thing a pianist can do when playing for a funeral is to be essentially invisible. Here are some of my tips on how to best support mourners when playing a funeral or memorial service.
It’s not about you
Do you have issues around death? Are you grieving losses of your own? Are you easily caught up in the general mood of a group? If you answer yes to any of these questions, it’s time to remind yourself that it’s about the mourners, not about you. It’s not appropriate to work through personal issues from the piano. If a service catches you off guard, put your emotions aside for the duration of the funeral and process them once it’s over.
Another aspect of “it’s not about you” is remembering that while you’re a featured musician, your music is a gift to the mourners, not a chance to highlight yourself or your abilities. Do your job, play your best, but leave the theatrics for more appropriate events.
Be professional
Is the service being held in a church? If so, take the time to learn about that denomination’s funeral style before you show up to play it. Liturgical churches, for instance, have very specific orders of service and being unfamiliar with this can cause musical disruptions. Remember: our job is to seamlessly blend into whatever the service is and never draw attention to ourselves—especially negative attention.
Have your music in order before you arrive. Arrive on time, and be dressed appropriately. Not everyone wears black to funerals, but as a musician it’s best to do so to be respectful of the situation. Be prepared to play before the service and after if requested.
Stay alert during the service. As with weddings, no one wants awkward silences while the pianist scrambles around finding music, nor do people want a pianist who keeps playing too long. If you’re unsure how much time you’ll need to play background music for a specific part of the funeral, choose music that has multiple cadences so you can stop playing in a musical way.
Have all business arrangements sorted out before the service begins. As with weddings, it’s impossible to track down payment once the funeral ends. Take care of these things in advance.
Unless you are a friend or family member of the deceased, don’t attend any reception that may be held after the funeral. Give your condolences to any mourners who speak to you, and disappear quietly.
Acknowledge your own feelings
I’ve yet to play for a funeral or memorial service that didn’t cause me to remember loved ones who have died or make me consider the mortality of those still living. This is natural and healthy. Honor any feelings that may come up. Be grateful for the chance to remember those you love. Playing for funerals may not be celebratory or glamorous, but they’re our opportunity to offer solace to others and to be reminded of the fragility of all of life.
Photo by The Good Funeral Guide, courtesy of UpSplash